self REALIZATIONS

So I've completely slacked off on keeping this thing updated, i guess Im not as much of a fan of this as I thought. haha. Nevertheless, Im sure you're wondering what ive been doing, what I'm up to these days. Well, the Lord is doing great things here in not only the lives of these children, but also in my life. E. St. Louis isnt the worst place on earth, but it is the roughest place I've ever become a part of. But its crazy though because some of our kids are bitter, some have serious behavioral problems, and some are just seeking after love. These kids are amazing. I've said it before Im sure, but its taken me a while to truely see just how amazing they are. Growing up Baptist theres always been that "turn or burn" kind of mentality. There was always that emphasis on gettin people "saved", but what were we saving them from? Did we truely want them to experience life more abundantly? Or were we just going through motions because that was we're "supposed" to do? Ive learned that alot of times we as christians are all about gettin people saved, then we send them on their way, but what effort do we make to truely get to know them as people, as children of God? Do we ever build that relationship, that trust and accountability? When I first got here I just wanted to open my bible and just "get people saved"- Ive been aware that its not me or anyone else who can get someone saved. Thats a moving of the holy spirit. I was told by Drew, I believe, that a group would drive through here, pass out tracks, get children "saved", and go on with their business. Its one of the easiest things to get a child to say they love God, but do they truly know what that means to love God, to be saved, and even that God loves them. Here, for me, love takes on a whole new meaning. Love is no longer a feeling or emotion that takes place around family or friends. Love is an action. Love is a verb. Love isnt something that just comes from our mouths, but instead is something that we do, and dont get me wrong, we don't do it alone. We are incapable of love, pure selfless love, without Jesus Christ being the center of it, and even still, when has Christ been our ONE AND ONLY motive for anything? Theres always that hint of pride or that sliver of gain that we look to. Nobody is capable of not sinning, not even for one moment of our lives. I understand thats a strong statement and I understand that is controversial, but seriously. As soon as we say we can go without sining, what are we doing? boasting maybe? putting ourselves higher than others maybe? and i could go on. But anyways, I'll stop chasing that rabbit.. haha. ANYWAYS, I think that one big lesson that the Lord is teaching me is to wait. Things don't always happen when or how we want them to, but in the end, what we want doesnt matter- what we want has never mattered- The will of the Lord will always prevail over the will of man, and the life we lead is not our own.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." [[Psalm 127:3-5]]

Prayer Requests: Pray for guidance, for financial blessing, and that I can find a job that will fit into my schedule for the upcomming year. Pray for all the other summer missionaries, that God uses them in a mighty way wherever they go, and Pray for the people we come in contact each and every day and that we all learn to wait on the Lord instead of trying to take things into our own hands.

the B E G I N N I N G .

day O N E.
Thursday was great. =]
My plane landed at 11:30 in St. Louis. It was probably one of the best flights I’ve been on- the plane was TINY though. It had 2 seats on one side of the aisle and 1 on the other. It was crazy intense though because the flight attendant announced that we would experience a good bit of turbulence taking off and landing because of the weather- right then I was like OHH no- and I started praying. Wouldn’t you know, we experienced no turbulence practically the entire way- and when we did, it was barely anything and that only happened like once maybe twice. My God is an answerer of prayers for sure. Anyways- I land in the St. Louis airport and have to wait for everyone to get off ahead of me so that I can get my guitar from the very back of the plane in the little compartment deal. So I get off and call Drew, the CAC’s chaplain, and we meet at the baggage area and wait for my suitcase that felt like it weighed 58,309,478,574 pounds. We talked about everything and on the ride back I got to see the transition from St. Louis to E. St. Louis. To me, this may seem strange, but I think that E. St. Louis is an absolutely beautiful city that God is very much at work in. It is amazing how God reveals himself through poverty and hurt the way he does. So we get to the center and bring my stuff to my room, which I absolutely love [[the walls are BOLD blue!]] then I went downstairs to talk with Drew. He told me the history behind the city and the mission for the center in this community. He said most families here are single parent, mothers only, families, and there are a TON of kids in the area. He said when the economy goes down, of coarse there will be more crime, no matter the race, but people tend to think that its race related here and although race now does cause tension its not the ultimate problem. So the mission of the center is to love on the kids in the area, give them a safe place, and to change the world by spending time with it’s future. I got to spend time with the kids yesterday and at one point I was incredibly overwhelmed- but then I kinda took a step back and was just incredibly grateful for this opportunity to be in the midst of so many children and have so many looking to you for leadership, for an example, for something more. I cant say enough how wonderful the Lord is! I have sooo so so many opportunities in this one location, and I am so ready to see where he takes me, and where he takes the CAC this summer.

day T W O .
Friday, May 29. WOAH what a day! I got up early to go with Ali and Tim to help move some exercise equipment. We got to sit outside waiting on the guys to come back with the truck and catch a good amount of rays [[i got burned and so did Ali]]. After that, we went to lunch at Subway and then back here to the center. I met with drew again, and we did a small devotional and talked about the upcoming calendar. After that we got ready for the kids. Every day we have a group meeting where we talk about what to expect for the day and have a short devotional and pray together before the kids get here. Then the kids come and I play some basketball [which i'm awful at], volleyball, and tag. woah kids will run you to death. Then I went to Ms. Sally time with the younger kids where I observed and helped keep them under control. Afterward I went back to the gym until time for the Sisterhood sleepover. We did hair and nails and watched movies, and all that fun girly stuff until about 1AM.

day T H R E E . Saturday
The girls left by 10 and I ended up sleeping until 3. [talk about being completely exhausted]. then last night Ali had some friends over and we played NERTS. OH MY GOODNESS, it is quite possibly my favorite game yet. =] Earlier though when we went to Tasty Burger to get dinner, this man definitely hit on us... haha talk about awkward. He opens the door, but not all the way. And after looking me up and down creepily, he was like, "Hey, you look good.... Don't ever let anybody tell you any different... BYE." and shut the door and left. haha I was like... WOAH. it was so random. lol. So on the way back to the center, me and Ali just laughed and laughed and laughed about it. We came to the conclusion that if you ever are having a bad day, feel ugly, or are depressed, just go walk the streets of E. St. Louis. Someone will tell you that you're beautiful. lol. I thought that was just hilarious. haha.




Pray for all the children that come through the doors of the CAC daily, and all the children who don’t. Also remember the parents of these children and everyone who works at and volunteers with the CAC.

We are here in this cruel, cold, sin-centered world to be a light in the dark places through Jesus Christ- lets not take that wonderful position for granted.

oh P A C K I N G .

So I leave Pembroke tomorrow morning to spend the next 2 days with my family before I leave for orientation then to E. St. louis. I am so so soooo excited. The Lord has done a tremendous work in my life up to this point and I am SO READY to see the impact this summer will have on me, as well as all the children I'll be working with this summer! I am trying so hard to cherrish each moment and not wish them away at this point but I am ready to GO! Im ready to do work for the Lord, Im ready to build those relationships!

My suitcase is almost full, and I've got almost everything ready. Im going to miss good ol Pembroke- I love this place, But i'll be back soon enough. :)

Goal 2: remind me daily, I am nothing without Jesus Christ. It is not by my works, but His.

"The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lrod has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prision to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort all who mourn." [[Isaiah 61:1-2]]

the S T R E S S

So, I had to go talk to financial aid today. Woah, talk about stressing me out. Right now at this very moment my bank accounts combined, checking and savings, has less than 100 dollars in it. I've used my credit card entirely too much, and Im just - AHH - right now.

m o n e y .

Whoever came up with having to have money- goodness. I know it helps to make life less complicating, but it makes me worry, stress, and fret a lot. Lack of money makes people worry, and an excess of money causes people to idolize it. Its like a lose lose situation. I don't know, right now it would be nice to not have to worry about money. I know the Lord is my provider, but I guess money is where I fall. I spend it too often, and when I dont have any I fret and get all worked up over it. They say, "money is the root of all evil.." and maybe its all part of this growing up process, I'm not sure.

I was just sitting here, wondering how I am going to pay my bills coming up, and I was looking at my bank account, and my phone bill and my credit card bill, and it hit me. Why am i worried, I have nothing to worry about. An awesome quote that I found one day says, "I don't know about tomorrow. It may bring me poverty; But the one who feeds the sparrow is the one who stands beside me." [[Stanphill]] Oh boy, this has never been more real to me than it is right now.

Although I fail, He is still right there. Although I make a mess of situations, He is still right beside me.

Goal number 1. No more worrying about money- the Lord will provide a way.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." [[Matthew 6:33-34]]

my T E S T I M O N Y

I dont really know why God works how he does, and to be honest, sometimes I don't see what he is doing until a ways down the road. But I am incredibly grateful for the Lord and how he works in and through my life. <3


Growing up, my mom always provided where needed and made ends meet. I grew up in church, and never really got into much trouble. When I was younger I thought I got saved, but I don't believe I truly knew what that meant until 4 years ago. My childhood wasn't really the greatest in terms of emotional security. My bioligical father was never there, although when he did come into my life, it was dishonesty that he talked of and led to heartbreak in the end. My step father of 10 years provided for the house, but was definitely not the leader God planned the man of the house to be. There was abuse- both physical and verbal- that took hold of my confidence and self image and pulled me down into the depths of depression until it held me at the very bottom of the darkest place I have ever been in my entire life. I always knew the Lord loved me, and I always knew there was a God, but I never knew why, I never felt of any worth, and I never saw what my life could possibly be for. When i sank into my depression my sophomore/junior year of high school, it wasnt until I saw the end that I realized just how far down I'd let the enemy pull me. My mom was at work that night and I'd been in an unstable emotonial rollercoaster all night. I found myself standing in front of the microwave in the kitchen where my mom kept all her medications, just staring. After what seemed like forever, the Lord just overwhelmed me and I broke down on my knees in the floor and all I could do was cry and pray. It was at that moment that I knew none of it was my fault, none of the lies, emotional scaring, repressed memories, none of it was under my control. But there was one thing that I could control, and that was what I was going to do next- I had 2 choices, 1. take my life right there like planned, or 2. give it ALL over to the Lord. It was on that night I made the decision I was no longer going to be held captive by words, by the actions of others. I was not going to be a statistic of another sad situation, I was going to overcome, and I also realized I could not do it alone. Looking back, I thank the Lord SO MUCH for saving me on that night, I thank him for sending his son to conquer the grave, to give me eternal life, to SHED HIS BLOOD for me- of all people, me. It is still amazing to me, I dont think I will ever comprehend the love of God and the love of Jesus Christ until I witness the scars for myself, until I touch his robe and fall on my knees in awe of him on the day that the Lord takes me up to be with him.


I know where I've been, who I was, and I also see who He is and what He means to my life, and you ask me why I want to work with problemed children, children who have rough lives, children who have seen horrible things, children in other countries, other walks of life... I want to work with these people in areas that are low poverty and less appealing to most, not because I want to see how far I can push my luck, not so people can praise me for it, but because my Lord and Savior came down into the darkness I was in and pulled me up. It was when I was young that the Lord used someone who came into my life somewhere along the line and planted that seed, planted that desire, and I want the Lord to work through me to further his kingdom with those who are often overlooked or pitied. I'm trying, but I dont think this is even close to explaining the passion I have for the ministry. Every day we are alive, we are on a mission field. Every day we have breath is a day to glorify and tell someone about the wonderful works the Lord is doing in our lives.


"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." [[Matthew 28:19-20]]